wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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