I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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