Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
