About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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