I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
