my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
