I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
