My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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