I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
