Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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