I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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