What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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