How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
