Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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