I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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