Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
