i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
