I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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