I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I did not marry a roomba.
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