So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
