Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
