We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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