I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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