yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
