You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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