I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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