So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
