if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
