i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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