I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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