u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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