How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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