If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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