A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize