just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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