I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize