Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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