can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize