So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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