The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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