So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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