May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
