the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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