someone owes me an orgasm
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
