mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Never joke about your clitoris.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
