All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
