So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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