he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
