You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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