life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Its about making memories worth repressing
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
