Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
