too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
