Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
