It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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