I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
