I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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