You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize