your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want her autograph on my taint
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
