When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize